Jade's Lullaby
by teddybaer
Summary: "Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, pur, pur, pur."


**Before you start reading, you need to know that the lullaby chosen here is actually an "illness song" from The Big Bang theory. But because I thought it doesn't sound that well, you can imagine it in a sing-song voice. Thank you! **

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><p>Yellow and warm. That was the sun on that day, shining down on the people, soaking their already light clothes with sweat and exhaustion. People liked the sun, liked the summer. They could wear short clothes and no one would question that. At the summer time most of the people are happier. Most of them. Imagining sad people at that time of the year just seems wrong, but it's real, it happens.<p>

I was sitting in front of that stone, shining light grey in the sun, showing off its cold colours, as if it's something valuable. And it somehow was. This stone was my life – no. This stone reminded me of my life, my oh so perfect life. And it would've surprised me, how things can change in two weeks…

Flashback

_I was looking at the small TV that was placed a few meters away from the bed I was lying on. The channels kept on changing. Tiredness was growing on me, as I started to get irritated by the constantly changing voices of the people on TV._

"_Babe, just choose one channel." I said softly to my girlfriend, who was sitting next to me. She stopped switching and mustered me quietly._

"_But there's nothing fun on there." she snapped._

"_Then turn off the TV" I answered, watching her from my lying position. "Let's just cuddle." _

"_But I wanna watch TV." she replied, closing the distance between us, by moving closer to me. She carefully placed her head on my chest and turned off the TV. "I'm tired" she whispered, when I started stroking her hair. "But I can't sleep"_

"_Well, maybe a song will help" I said quietly, after kissing the top of her head. _

"_Which one?" she asked, looking up to me. A smile grew on my face, as her eyes met mine. She was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and even if she could irritate me sometimes, I still loved her to pieces. Loved the way she looked at me, when she wanted to know something badly, but I made it a secret, so she would bug out. I loved how she'd come to me, when someone made her angry, by sitting at her new scissors and how I could calm her down, by just kissing her on the cheek. I loved how I could be part of her and she could be part of me, how I would feel empty and sad, when she's not around. She was my girlfriend and more than that. She was my life, my everything. What would I be without her? I would be Beck. But not the calm, laid-back Beck. I'd probably be _the_ Beck, the heartbreaker, the asshole, the cheater. People don't see what Jade does to me, how she makes me a better person, by protecting me from being ignorant, arrogant and flirty. It always made me happy on the inside to see her getting jealous at me flirting with some, to me worthless, girl, cause that just made me see more of her caring, loving side. I snapped out of my thoughts, when I heard her calling my name. "Which song?" she asked again. I pressed her head softly against my chest again._

"_Close your eyes." I said "It's no real song, it's a one liner, actually" I added._

"_I don't care"" she whispered "just sing" She wouldn't admit it that often, but she once told me, that my voice made her calm down, when she was angry. She just needed to close her eyes and listen closely, because just then, "you could hear the full beauty of it". She told me at one of our honest moments, we had once in a long while. _

"_Soft kitty, warm kitty…" I began, stroking her hair. I could feel her exhaled breath on my chest, that came out when she tried to hold back laughter. But I continued, acting as if I didn't hear her. "…little ball of fur…"_

"_Are you being serious?" she whispered, not wanting to interrupt me, but still she did, because she thought that whole situation was ridiculous._

"_Ssshhh!" Close your eyes, babe" I commanded, wanting her to concentrate on my voice again._

"_They're closed." I inhaled the fruity smell of her hair and placed a soft kiss one more time._

"…_happy kitty sleepy kitty purr purr purr!" I finished, tightening my arm around her._

"_Lame" she whispered and fell asleep._

Flashback End

A small smile grew on my face, as I remembered the one liner she thought was "Lame" but she wanted to hear from that day on every night before she went to sleep. When she was at my RV, which got more often at that time, she placed her head on my chest again and wanted me to sing. When she was at home, not next to me, she called me and commanded me to sing the "lame kitty song". She wouldn't have admitted that she liked it, although she indirectly did, which made me laugh every time I heard it coming out of her mouth.

And then came that day, she wasn't tired, but still wanted me to sing that song. That fateful day.

Flashback

_It was evening and I was sitting on my couch, listening to the sound of the silence. I just needed some time, a little break. Everything was stressful and my parent's dislike concerning Jade just came up today again, while we had a family dinner with my aunts, uncles and my grandparents. "Surprisingly" all my relatives took my parent's side…But I didn't care, because I wasn't born as a puppet, but as a human being, that got the abilities to think autonomously. And neither my mind nor my heart are telling me to get away from Jade, especially not my heart. _

_I got up and walked towards the bath room to take a wazz. As I retuned I jumped back, because I saw Jade sitting on my bed. The corner of her lips formed into a smirk._

"_Scared, Becky-boy?" she asked in a seductive tone, looking me straight in the eyes. I calmed a bit, walking towards her._

"_Yes, you scared me." I admitted, after approaching her, kissing her lips lightly. But she wanted more. She grabbed my belt and pulled me on the bed next to her and started attacking my lips. I kissed back forcefully and with a lot of passion, letting out all of my emotions in that kiss. Before I noticed, she was on top of me, but still not breaking the kiss. She enjoyed it as much as I did. I could feel it. She pulled apart and I pouted. Smirking, she removed her shirt, revealing her black and red lace bra. I smiled at the sight and removed my shirt, too, pulling her back on me, so we could continue kissing. Suddenly, before I could even realize what was going on, Jade wasn't on top of me anymore and I heard someone screaming. I recognized my mother's voice and I looked up terrified. She was screaming at Jade, calling her names, telling her how much of a "slut" she is and that she "doesn't deserve to have me" and that she's also "wasting me". I got up angrily, pulling Jade away from my mother's grip._

"_MOM!" I shouted angrily "What the heck is wrong with you?" I tried to stay calm, but I couldn't hide the furious undertone in my voice._

"_What I'm doing? I'm teaching that slut to stay away from you!" she answered._

"_Slut? Do you even know _who_ you're talking to?" Jade snapped, taking a step towards my mother, but I held her back. Instead my mother came closer, her head redder than a red Christmas bulb. I haven't seen her that angry before. It somehow scared me._

"_Yes! I know who I'm talking to, it's Jade _fucking_ West. But let me tell you something. You're nothing better than all the prostitutes out there! Not even your surname can prevent you from that -" I couldn't take it anymore. How dare she offending Jade in front of me? She indirectly offended me, too, telling me I had a bad choice of girls._

"_Okay that's it MOM! Never compare her to a prostitute again! She's MY girlfriend. You don't have to have anything to do with her. So leave her alone and mind your own business!" I shouted angrily, losing all my calmness and control. An awkward silence filled the room. Neither Jade nor my mom expected me to play such a big role in their fight. They didn't even expect me to stand up to my mom and tell her my opinion. It took a while for them to gather their thoughts. My mom spoke up, after a few seconds that seemed like minutes._

"_Anyway…I want her to leave NOW! No back talk! And you put on a shirt!" she said in a calm voice, looking down at Jade in disgust, shaking her head while walking out of the RV._

"_Thank you!" I heard Jade whisper. And if it wouldn't have been silent, I wouldn't have heard her saying it._

"_For what?" I asked, turning around to face her. I put my hand on her cheek and stroke it gently with my thumb. "I love you and she has no right to talk shit about you" I kissed her forehead and looked at her again, seeing a weak smile on her face._

"_I love you, too" she whispered back. And that surprised me. Not the fact that she loved me, I already knew that, but the fact that she said it, just like "thank you". It's likely for Jade never to thank someone and never to say that she loved me. It happened once in a while but it was rare that she said both on one day. I smiled at her, kissing her lips gently. She kissed back, but seemed gloomy, so we broke apart and I looked at her again, trying to read her mind._

"_Beck…can you…" she didn't want to ask, it seemed like something she wanted really bad and I wanted to know what it was._

"_Can I what?" I asked gently, trying not to push her, but to make her comfortable._

"_Can you…sing the lame…" A smile grew on my face and she didn't even need to finish before I knew what she meant._

"_Of course!" I answered, sitting on my bed, pulling her to sit on my lap._

"_Just before I leave…" she whispered, while hugging my neck, resting her head carefully on mine. _

"_Soft kitty, warm kitty little ball of fur, happy kitty sleepy kitty purr purr purr!"I sang slowly, wanting the song to continue eternally, but I knew it wouldn't. As I finished she looked at me one more time, kissing my lips passionately. Then we broke apart and she pulled on her shirt again, grabbing her bag. Although she would've wanted to stay, she didn't want to get me in trouble with my mom, who'd freak out, if we didn't do, what she told me. I pulled on a shirt, too and walked her the short way to the door. She turned around one more time and smiled at me. _

"_Bye." she said, giving me a quick peck on my lips._

"_Call me when you're home!" I demanded friendly. She nodded and I watched her as she disappeared in the darkness of the night. _

_I shouldn't have let her walk alone…_

Flashback End

I pressed my eyes together, trying to prevent the tears to come out. How could I've been so stupid…How? I shouldn't have let her go, I shouldn't have listened to my mother's strict demand. After all it was _my_ roof and also _my_ rules…My damn fucking roof, in which she couldn't get her demands through, in which I was the one deciding, whether Jade should've stayed or not. It was my mother's fault, all her fault. She shall feel the guilt now, feel how it's like to – wait…I'm not being fair. All that has happened is _his_ fault and only _his_. Not Jade's, not my mother's and not mine, just _his_! I opened my eyes again and realized that I was holding my breath. I opened my mouth and let the fresh air flooding my nostrils to get it n my lungs.

The first time I saw her, entering the halls of Hollywood Arts confidently, with multi coloured streaks and her red headed friend Cat, I thought she had amazing charisma, but I never thought of dating her.

The last time I saw her…a cold shiver is still running down my spine…

Every time I think of it…

Every day…

Flashback

_A half an hour after my mother and Jade's heated fight, Jade should've already been home, calling me. I was lying on my bed, my phone next to me. And I waited. Half an hour, then another half an hour, but she still didn't call. I sat up and took my phone in my hand, looking if I missed her calling. Maybe I had it on silent and that's why I didn't hear her, but there were no missing calls. And in this moment, I began to feel anxious._

_What if something happened to her, what if some crazy guy came after her and killed her?_

_I got up quickly but suddenly stopped in the middle of the RV. That was ridiculous. It's Jade, not a random girl, Jade. She's probably just in a supermarket getting a coffee. It wouldn't be the first time she's done it. But because that bitter aftertaste stayed, I decided to call her. I picked up my phone and dialled her number._

_Beeep_

_Beeep_

_Beeep_

_Sorry, the person you're calling is currently unavailable._

_Beeep beep beep beep beep_

_I hung up. Jade would never not answer a phone call from me, except when she was sleeping. But where should she be sleeping? On the street? I shook my head and ran my hand nervously through my hair. I started to dial her house number with shaky fingers. Her mother answered and I asked her if Jade would already be at home._

"_No, she told me she would spent the night at yours." her mother started confused, but her voice became tensed when she continued. "Why are you asking? Did something happen? Do you know where she is?" she asked nervously, making me more and more unsure in my feeling (?) that something went terribly wrong._

"_I…I don't know where she is. She left from here an hour ago. I thought she'd already be at home…I-I'm gonna look for her" I hung up, now shaking. Grabbing my jacket quickly, I ran out of my RV without looking back._

_B&J_

_Her mother called the police after I hung up. They talked her down, saying that they can't start looking for her before 24 horrible hours would end. They're not allowed to search before, because it could be possible, that Jade would've run away. And for a short moment I believed them, that she may have run away. But it wouldn't make sense. She would've told me. She doesn't play like that….no, not Jade._

_We waited 24 hours…and another 24 hours, before we were ordered to the police._

_Her mother was walking up and down nervously in that small room, where only her, Jade's father and I have been. I was sitting on that hard wooden chair with a cushion on it to soften the seat. My upper body was bent forward and my elbows were rested on my knees. My eyes were reddened and swollen from crying and now having any sleep. As long as I didn't know what had happened to Jade, I could never sleep comfortably. Her mother didn't look better. Her eyes were red and she was sobbing. We shared the same feelings. Her daughter and my life disappeared and we wanted to know what happened. Jade's father however was calm on the outside, but you could feel that he was tensed, too. He possibly was about to explode any minute._

_I heard the clock ticking and ticking and ticking continuing, while our lives seemed to have stopped for a long moment. I looked at Jade's mom. She went through hell. Not knowing where her daughter is made her go mental and even if she suffered right now, she never blamed me for Jade's disappearance…_

_And then the cop entered the room. Before he even opened his mouth, we already knew if wasn't good news. I got up slowly, mustering his face, that had an apologetic look plastered on it. He felt uncomfortable, 3 pairs of eyes were all on him, hoping that he would say anything, just anything that told us, she was still alive._

"_We ordered you to come here, because we found your daughter" he started, his "speech" directed towards Jade's parents. "we found her body in the woods."_

Flashback End

They told us everything. They found her dead corps in the woods, covered with fallen leaves…she was naked, raped and afterwards strangled to death. She had bruises all over her body and she tried to get away, but she couldn't. They told us she fought for her life, scratching her murderer, but it was hopeless for her. Her mother broke down, but I stayed calm. I needed to see her…one more time.

Flashback

_I followed the cop to the forensic medicine. It was cold, scary and there were dead bodies covered with sheets. I've never seen dead bodies and to be honest I never wanted to see any. And now I'm finding myself in the middle of a place, where dead bodies are 'home'. I gulped, as I felt my acid coming up, but I swallowed it down again disgustedly. It was a long walk through the cold and dark forensic, but I wanted, no I needed to see Jade one last time. I needed to say goodbye. The forensic doctor suddenly came to a halt and turned to look at me._

"_Kid, you're sure you wanna do this? Some people can't see corps" he asked, raising a curious eyebrow. I nodded slowly and he shrugged, turning to a wall that consisted just of compartments. I looked at all of them and shuddered at the thought that in all of them corps were conserved, especially Jade's corps. He wrapped his strong hand around the grip of a compartment with the number 256. While taking a few steps back, the compartment opened. The first thing I saw were foots, nails with black nail polish. On her big thumb was an etiquette with the same number as on the compartment door. I gulped, as he pulled out the compartment more and more. It was just a bit higher than my abdomen and I could see her body perfectly. And then I saw her face. Her eyes were closed and her dark brown hair with the blue streaks was falling perfectly on her shoulders._

_She looked angelic. _

_And pale. Paler than before. I looked down at her and mustered every inch. My gaze stopped between her inner tights, where bruises were left over of that day. A single tear rolled down my cheek and I whipped it away quickly. Her hand, laying perfectly next to her looked fragile and soft. I hesitated, before I placed my hand over hers, feeling the cold, dead skin coming in contact with my warm, blood rushed skin. I took a deep breath and intertwined our fingers. I wanted to feel her, feel her so badly. I wanted her to talk to me, to hear just one vow out of her pink perky lips, that could form the most wonderful and comforting words I could ever dream of. I raised her dead hand and kissed the back of it, then her knuckles. I swallowed the lump in my throat and exhaled to prevent upcoming tears. I placed her hand back to where it was, laying it down perfectly as before. Then I moved to her face._

_One last kiss. That's all I wanted. _

_The final goodbye._

_I bent down, just a few inches away, when someone cleared their throat. I snapped back to reality, looking up. It was the forensic doctor. _

"_With due respect, Kiddo. This isn't such a good idea. She won't kiss you back…The first girl I kissed didn't kiss back either. That wasn't such a great feeling." he said, coming closer. I smiled weakly._

"_I need to…" I whispered in a shaky voice. He frowned at me and stood still, waiting for me to finish what I started. I bent down again and placed a soft kiss on her cold lips. She didn't move. I raised up again and looked at the forensic doctor. The next thing I knew was that I was vomiting next to Jade's still open compartment._

"_Kiddo…stop vomiting. I have to clean that up!" he said in displeasure, patting my back. He could've shown a little bit more sympathy, but he has done this job for long time now and the only reason why he hasn't a weak stomach when seeing corps, is that he's already inured to it. He escorted me towards the exit, so I could breathe fresh air and calm down, deciding to close compartment number 256 later. _

_I stopped dead in my tracks._

"_I-I can't go yet" I said weakly, looking straight at him, full determination in my eyes._

"_I don't think this is such –"_

"_I need to!" I interrupted him, turning around. He realized, that he couldn't stir me from my resolve and sighed loudly, while eventually following me._

_I looked at her again. _

_My silent beauty._

_I stroke her hair one more time, touching her hand, absorbing everything I saw, to cherish it as a memory, a sad memory, but still a memory…_

_I opened my mouth and started to sing:_

"_Soft kitty…warm kitty…" Tears were building up and were pressing against my eyeballs "…little ball of…" I gulped to make that lump in my throat go away again "fur…_happy _kitty…" Was she happy? Did she die knowing that I still loved her more than anything? Tears were dripping down my chin, as I prepared myself to finish the song, the lullaby. "…sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr…" _

_My little kitty is sleeping now. _

_Sleeping forever. _

Flashback End

I looked at the stone and sighed loudly. Ever since I said my last goodbye, I fell into a deep depression. I locked myself in my RV and tortured myself with pictures and videos of us, listened to songs that told one of our endless stories and cried. Just cried. Because she was gone. Jade, the person that formed with me our special pair of shoes, the person that is the lid to my pan and the person that considered marrying me when I change my name to "Coffee Oliver". It was the small things that made us, our relationship, grow, that strengthened our bond. One the one hand I loved her so much and wanted to let her go, but on the other hand I couldn't help but blame myself for not protecting her. I was her boyfriend it was my duty, but all that I did instead of driving her home, was, to wait for her to call me when she was home. All I could do every day was to talk to her and tell her, under tears, how sorry I am for being an irresponsible asshole. And all I wanted to do was to get justice. Justice from that guy who dared to touch her, who dared to feel her the way only I was allowed to feel her. He, who bottled her up against her will, who kissed her and who made her sick, deserved to burn in hell. He deserved to be as dead as her.

My grip tightened around our matching necklaces, the one that showed that we were two of a kind, two birds of a feather. I loved her so much, that I felt the need to make it up to her that I let her down…

Two weeks after I last saw her, the police ordered us to the department again…

Flashback

_We were all in this room again. But other than two weeks ago, we knew what had happened. Jade was dead and someone had raped and murdered her. Suspense was gone and made way for hate and questions. Why her? Why on that day? What did she do to deserve that? We all knew Jade wasn't the nicest girl out there, she wouldn't help people and she wouldn't want people to help her. She was bitchy and sometimes rude, but above of all she was being honest. And that's what people didn't like about her. I knew how she really was, when she didn't try to protect herself from getting hurt, when she let herself fall and when she opened up. But does the personality a person is showing really make her deserve to be killed? I don't think so. Not when it's Jade. But because everything was "over" , me, but also Jade's parents didn't really understand why we has been ordered to come again. Until the police man, who told us the news about Jade, entered the room again. He felt uncomfortable to see us again, but he seemed more relaxed this time, just like he had _good news. _I was really curious of what he wanted to tell us, but with my curiosity, my anxiety grew, too. _

"_Mr. West, Mrs. West…I have better news for you than last time you were here." he started and again excluded me. It made me angry, as if I wouldn't be a part of this conversation, as if I would be excluded, a foreigner. My anger vanished, as I heard what the police man continued saying. "Due to particles of the skin of Jade's murderer were found under her fingernails, we could identify him quickly. He re-offended…" the police man finished explaining._

"_But who is it?" Jade's mother finally spoke up, wanting to know which horrible person could take away her only daughter. _

"_His name is Jack Brown and he is-" the police man suddenly lapsed into silence, when two other policemen walked down the hall, a man handcuffed between them. It didn't take me long to realize, that he was Jack Brown. And then it hit me like a tidal wave. All my anger came back at once, making my brain shut down. I couldn't, wouldn't think reasonable anymore, not when Jade's murderer was just a few meters away from me._

_I ran towards the police man that just told us who that man was, shoved him against the open door and took his gun out of the stock on his belt. Running towards Jack, I screamed one last time, before I pulled the trigger._

Flashback End

That stone in front of me. It reminded me of my life. My life that was taken away by Jack Brown. Jack Brown who was now burning in hell. Before I shot him, he smiled mischievously, making me hate him even more. And when he fell to the ground, it was the most satisfying moment in my life without Jade. I shot him for her, I did justice for her death. And it was worth it. I never thought that I could kill anyone, but I never thought that Jade would die this early. My life didn't make any sense after her death. I had nothing to lose anymore.

I touched the cold, grey stone.

_Jade West_

_26.07.1993 – 23.03.2011_

_Daughter and love of his life_

I small smile formed on my lips, bittersweet. She was at a better place now, where she could live in peace and just be herself.

"Mr. Oliver we have to go now." a voice came from behind me. I looked down at my hands and the metallic armlets that were connected reminded me where I am going now.

"Just another second, please" I whispered, staring at Jade's tombstone. The police man came closer and helped me up. As we were walking to the car, I turned around one last time, a sad smile plastered on my lips.

"Sleep well, kitty."

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><p><strong>AN: Dun! Dun! Dun! Long time no update! Hopefully you liked the story though...I worked really long on this story...but not because of the 4000 words, but because I kept on distractng myself *coughtwittercough*<strong>

**Nonetheless, I still updated and hope you can forgive me! ;)**

**Hope you liked it!**

**Don't forget to review!**

**~teddybaer~**


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